Sunday, 24 June 2012

South Africans are stupid!

A few years back I read a statistic that said that the average South African IQ was 70, but I've also read another saying it's over a hundred. I think either may have been a bit generous. My statement that South Africans are stupid will of course attract much vitriol, but bear in mind that as generalisations go, this is one of them.

 The reason I say they're stupid, is because of recent news reports of the amount of support that the "Death Squad" of Cator Manor policemen have received. Even our erstwhile police commissioner found it a worthwhile cause to lobby for, but that really says more about him than anything else.

These people are vigilantes and yet your average Joe Citizen believes it is right to defend their behaviour. The same thing happened with Bheki Cele's shoot to kill statement. The radio stations were inundated with calls of support. The question that they all failed to entertain was : "What if someone close to me was wrongly targeted?" It's ok if someone else's child or father gets mistaken for a criminal and is shot, sometimes mistakes happen. And your child? And your father? Then it's not okay. Then you will sue the police force for as much as you can, voice your utter horror that such a thing ever occurred. It's the same thing with township vigilantism. It just takes someone to say something about someone they don't like. No questions, let's just assume and believe that the person is guilty. Serves him right.  It just takes a little thinking, not much, not enough to pop a blood vessel, just a bit, to look at something from a slightly different perspective. It really should be a normal process.

The same thing happened with Pig Spotter, where one could go online and look for speed traps and road blocks. Everyone said "Great! That will show those cops they can't catch me! They're just out there to make money anyway!" Until someone they know is killed because of some speeding idiot.

It really struck me how absurd the whole thing was, how morally vacuous we've become, when I went out for a function at a restaurant. Perfectly normal people sitting around a table, about 10 of them. Everyone had a good time, drank too much, ate too much and then when it came to an end, everyone was on their cell phones. Why? After the usual discussions about crime, morals and the like, they were now checking where the road blocks would be. So they could avoid them and possibly kill someone you know.

How is it possible to not see this reality? Are South Africans really that dumb?

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Everyone should join the ANC!

With the ANC becoming more like the National Party of old these days, I believe it is time for drastic action. It's as if they harvested that finger of PW Botha's and inserted it in some repository of theirs, with the result that we now have an ugly rotting finger wagging the body politic.

We do not need to have our own Arab Spring. As much as we like violence and all the excitement that goes with it, there is another way to take this country back. We do not have to revert to stereotype, and my suggestion is a campaign that will finally make the ANC unhinge itself, and forever silence it's racist propaganda. A campaign that will pull us all back from the abyss we appear to be looking into.

It is this : All whites (those counter-revolutionaries and other racists) Coloureds(who should move to other parts of the country)  and Indians (who are not related to the Gupta Family, because they already belong) should join the ANC and become card carrying members. This does not mean that you would then vote for them, on the contrary, I urge you not to. What it will do, however, is silence the ANC and it's racist rhetoric. It can not call its own members racist, can it? (although I'm sure they will surprise us) It will confuse them entirely.

It will also give them a false sense of security, and this is the best way of relieving them of their abusive power.
I don't believe there is any other way of avoiding the present slide. It is a perfect way of conducting psychological warfare in a peaceful yet effective manner. It will also appeal to those who get a kick out of doing the 'wrong' thing (and we know there are many of those around) and at the same time, it will be fun. I am going to join the ANC this week and I urge you all to join me. Amandla Comrades! Tenders for all! Awhetu!  The time is now!

Friday, 25 May 2012


If I had a rand for every time I've heard this, I'd be sitting on some exotic island sipping Pina Coladas. Every now and then, something is said, or written, that galvanises racists or borderline racists into justifying their racism. We feel better about ourselves because someone has articulated our feelings and sugar coated the very thing we often deny about ourselves. I'm sure that the gates of vitriol will open and all those people that like to hide behind their anonymity will speak their mind. I suppose this veil allows for the true reflections of those that, in more civilised interaction, would never dare say the things they say. All I ask is that before we spew our boiling bile, that we make the effort to think a little, before we say those things.

The recent events of the last week have brought all this hatred out into the open, with the most awful things being said from both sides of the divide. Is it not time that we realise that this moral vacuum that we as a nation have slipped into, crosses all races, black and white and all the colours in between? For instance, I often hear people complain about how lawless taxi drivers are. Well, they are, but at the same time, those people are quite happy to break the law themselves. The aggression, and recklessness I see on our roads are committed by the very people who stand around their braais on a weekend, relating stories about what taxi did what. Yes, white people. Those same people complain about how corrupt the ANC is, and it is, but neglect to complain about white South Africans in business who are guilty of the very same thing. The ANC has unravelled everything that people like Mandela had brought about and continue to polarise race groups against each other. They are like the National Party in a different guise. Given the opportunity, many of us, regardless of race, would take that bribe, break that traffic law or be violent. The point I am trying to make is that it is not a race thing, but a South African thing.

Many of us are angry, but I find that my anger has dissipated into sadness. I'm afraid to think back to those heady days in 1994 or the world cup. It feels like some dream, that I might never have again. It also shows me, however, that it IS possible for us to work together. I only hope that it is not too late. The government has it's own agenda, but let's forget about them for a little while. Let's look at ourselves, and ask what WE are doing to turn back this tide. They say a fish rots from the head, can't we, as the tail, try and take it back?

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Presidential head removed!

Before anyone gets too excited, this is not about some faction of the ANC getting rid of President Zuma, but the continuing drama of "The Spear" The latest news being of course that the painting was vandalised by a professor and an assistant. In dramatic fashion and typical South African irony, this act of destruction was caused by a white man. I expect the ANC will be incensed, that with all it's rhetoric about the supposed  racist undertones in connection with this painting, that it took a white man, with a black helper to finally depenisize (a new word) the object of their anger. Their only saving grace perhaps is that they chose black paint and not the other hue. Dismembered but not forgotten.

Frankly, since this story first broke, it was the only time that I saw the presidential pecker. (I'm really not complaining)  It has since been sanitized for viewing pleasure in all publications that I have seen. So is media self censorship rearing it's ugly head again?

 Instead of having risen to the occasion, the ANC has once again exposed itself as an immature government. The Canadians have had their own version of their Prime Minister depicted in rather unflattering form, with nothing but a tuft of hair pointing to the spot where something more substantial could have been lurking. I'm sure the Canadians had every reason to be upset for being sold short, but no, they have laughed about it.

If Zuma had any sense, he would have posted this, by all accounts flattering, rendition of himself on Facebook. We could then be reading about new nuptials every weekend. The other nude painting of Zuma, by Ayanda Mabulu, hasn't raised the ire of the ANC in any way that I know of. For those who haven't seen it, it has a chastity belt- like iron ring around it, supported by a Salvador Dali-like crutch. Talk about support for the President! In comparison to Brett Murray's painting, hers is positively limp in comparison. Double speak, 1984 comes to mind.

Coming back to the Proff and his sidekick, there will be conjecture as to their motives : Is he an envious struggling artist, a man with penis envy, or someone looking for a place at the ANC feeding trough? Only time will tell, but with our ever efficient judicial system, we will have to wait with bated breath. On the positive side, we are, rest assured, that the rainbow nation is still functioning, albeit in criminal form. I wonder if the German buyer of the painting will want a refund, or treasure it more because of the extra material used in its creation. In any event, as smudge as some would see this painting now, they are no longer permitted the freedom to see it's original form.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Drivers who remove their licence plates are criminals

While I find the campaign against drunk driving commendable, I wonder why an equally despicable crime has not been addressed. I refer to the increasing number of drivers who remove their licence plates to avoid detection by speed cameras. I wonder if people have really thought about the impact that this has on road behaviour.
For instance, when I see a drunk driver on the road I phone and report it to authorities. On many occasions I've been unable to do so as the person responsible has removed their licence plates. I have seen reckless driving, excessive speeding, road rage, illegal dumping, all committed by these people who do whatever they want. They are unidentifiable and there are no consequences to their actions. I’m sure the increase in “hit and runs” is a direct result of this. Not only is the traffic department losing out on revenue, but its worst traffic offenders continue to cause havoc on our roads.

 Before people jump to the conclusion that it is taxis that are guilty of this, I can say that I have only seen one taxi without plates, the majority of these offenders are the drivers of luxury vehicles. Demographically, they are people who would never drive or own taxis.They are also the same people who love to complain about how corrupt our government is (yes it is), and how taxis never obey the rules of the road. What did they think when Julius Malema was found driving around without licence plates? 

The ridiculous R500 fine they could possibly incur is a drop in the ocean compared to the thousands they have ‘saved” in fines.

The other aspect is that these people ‘assist’ criminals by their actions. The first thing criminals do after having committed a crime is to remove the plates from their vehicle. If it was the only vehicle doing so, it would make it that much easier to find.

JP Smith said on Cape Talk more than three years ago, that this issue was his bugbear and that he was going to do something about it. How much longer must we wait? In Kwazulu Natal, if your vehicle is found to be without plates, it is impounded, and until you can present those plates, your vehicle will not be returned to you. When I have visited there, people seemed to obey the speed limits, and all of them had licence plates.

The Traffic Department doesn’t seem concerned about this from what I’ve experienced. I have often seen Traffic Department vehicles driving behind those unidentifiable cars and ignoring them. I have spoken to Traffic officers and all of them smile and say "Ask JP Smith just how many fines have been issued for this offence." 

JP Smith and Robin Carlisle are forever going on about the new trapping methods that have been installed, but they're not catching the real perpetrators. By nature I'm quite cynical and would never have entertained the thought that maybe they don't really want to do anything about this, because the great majority of people doing this are the very people who vote for the DA. Do they want to keep them happy? I only say this because I know that they know about it, and have known about it for years. I've written to the papers, Talk Radio, all the heads of Traffic Departments and no-one is interested.

 All the police have to do is walk around a parking lot to find these vehicles. There are also thousands who have altered their licence plates by either defacing a number or breaking off part of the plate. The other problem, is that this behaviour is emulated by others, with the typical South African response of : "I'm going to do it because he's doing it". We also have the next generation, their children, seeing that it's "OK" to break the rules YOU choose to break. It's about time the authorities did something about this scourge, because the people who are breaking this traffic law are able to break all traffic laws. They will continue doing so for as long as they're allowed to.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Zuma painting lets it all hang out

I am utterly disgusted, no, revolted, that the painting depicting our President, Jacob Zuma, with his tackle hanging out, was called "The Spear". Nothing about it resembles a spear, in fact, I would be so bold as to suggest that it more closely resembles a knobkerrie, and an upside down one at that too.

 I have listened to talk radio today, and all anyone wants to talk about is this painting. White men seem to think he is depicted as generously endowed, black men might think that the depiction is short an inch or too. Who cares? I don't see why people get so excited about a penis, it's not as if most of us haven't seen one before. Vaginas are ok, you could have a warehouse full of vaginas and no one would say anything. But show a penis, unless your'e Michelangelo, and everyone goes crazy.

I'm more surprised that no-one has complained that it isn't erect. It could be that people realise that with all the action that Zuma has been getting, that one wouldn't expect it to be at full tilt. Maybe people sense that the drooping of the presidential knobkerrie is just that-that it represents an impotent president. I'm not a cheese and wine art critic so I'll leave the "reading" of the painting to those "sniff at the ceiling" sorts who seem to know better.

 What I do know is that Zuma has brought all this upon himself. If he was doing his job, if he did have respect for what our constitution stands for, and if he had a little backbone, hell, even if he had a personality, I'm sure that people would be more circumspect with their criticism. I don't believe that anyone would present someone like Mandela in this manner, for the simple reason that there IS no reason to. He has done nothing to invite ridicule, unlike our current leader. I think Brett Murray has been rather tame with his painting. I would probably have included a sensor in it, so that, upon approach, the presidential peccadillo would rise at one's presence. Or I would have made into a clock, not that it would have worked of course, knowing the ANC's record of timekeeping. For all we know, it may not be a penis at all, but one his kids hanging from his trouser fronts. (It's something about the head.)

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Jesus only helps me!

I was watching Survivor on TV this week and during the reward challenge the religious thing cropped up again.
There were two groups, with three contestants per side. The object of the challenge was to release as FEW coconuts that were resting upon a bed of entangled rope.

 Each team took turns to remove a rope, with the first team with a hundred coconuts to their score, to be the losing side.  Before this contest began, one group joined hands in that endearing Christian way, and prayed for their success. They then named themselves "prayer warriors", now convinced that they had the upper hand. The other team had only one member appealing to God, so she was outnumbered three to one in the power of prayer department.

At this point I have to stress that prayer would have been better directed at the possible removal of the latter's grey steel rug of a mullet. Even I would have joined in prayer for that eventuality.

The "God' team was quite successful in their challenge, and while I can't remember the exact numbers, they had about seven coconuts to the other teams 67 or so. It was obvious to all that their prayer was effective. All the time, either side took turns invoking their God, while their opposite number had their turn pulling a rope.

It was at this point that woman in the "God Squad" confidently announced that it was obvious that God was on their side. She then removed her rope, and lo and behold : 58 coconuts fell like manna from heaven! They lost the challenge and the reward that came with it.

So what point am I trying to make? Well, this happens every day around the world in just about every sport, where you have one team thanking God for their goal or try, or century. I think this is the most presumptuous thing that one can do. What makes you so special that for the duration of the game you are the one that God is looking after. What does the religious person on the opposing side, having given his prayer, silent or otherwise, feel about being the recipient of, by default, God's disfavour?

Are 'normal' Christians not offended by such crass behaviour? If they were thanking God when they didn't do well then it may be a different story, but such people are eerily quite when things don't go their way. Have they ever thought, for instance, that their God may just be saying something like :" WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ASSUMING THAT TODAY, OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE, YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE? WHAT A CHEEK!" And the bales tumble, and the ball is lost, and the coconuts fall.  

People can believe what they like, but isn't there a verse or saying somewhere in that heavy ancient book, that directs against this very thing? It doesn't matter if there is or if there isn't, because it's all open to interpretation, which is what makes it so popular. And no, I haven't just punched the air and pointed skywards in thanks for writing this article. I think I'd like to take the credit for doing that myself, quietly, if you don't mind.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Bad service might make me go Al- Quaeda

For years now I have experienced the worst possible service from Builder's Warehouse, and before it's reincarnation as Del la Rey. They have a consumer complaints department, but who do you complain to about them, when they themselves ignore you? One might ask why I choose to continue shopping there, given my experiences? I have no choice! They have the monopoly in the industry and there is simply no alternative. I could write a book about my bad experiences at this place, but it would make such depressing reading, that I'm afraid it would be banned, for safety reasons.

This has lead me to the decision, that should I ever contract a terminal disease,  (which in all likely hood would have been a direct consequence of my shopping experiences) I would take them out.

I would strap the largest, most explosive bomb to myself .(and maybe pilfer some radioactive material from Koeberg Nuclear Power Station for good measure-their security is so lax, no-one would even notice)

For my extra enjoyment, I would drive through the glass front doors, past the security guard who insists on stamping my receipt. There are sometimes queues of people waiting to have their "goods checked", and receipts stamped. You could show him his own death warrant and he would stamp it. They don't have a clue, which is why I stuff everything I purchase into my pockets (if it fits) and save myself the added frustration of waiting yet again.

I would then drive over the help desk, and this would be the only time they've noticed me. I would then continue through the aisles looking for a particular individual, because I know he won't be where his job description says he should be. After that minor speed bump I would stop at my ultimate destination : The Manager's Office. Ordinarily, he wouldn't be there. In fact, you never see him anywhere. Which is why I would have phoned before hand to arrange a meeting at this very point. I would step out of my car and hug him. I would then pull the little cord that would ignite my explosive device. (I chose a cord rather than a button, as it more closely resembles the "flushing" experience I require)

At that very moment when I blow up, a large group of Jehovah's Witnesses will walk into the building. These are the irritating little s**t's that have been knocking at my gate every Tuesday and Saturday for the last ten years. I enticed them there earlier, saying I was finally ready for salvation. How were they to know they were ready too? They could have known, had they listened to WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING THEM FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Sick society

I prefer to write about things that have some sort of humorous slant to them, but every now and then, the subject renders that impossible. This morning's big news was about a 17 year old girl who was gang raped by seven boys between the ages of 14 and 20 in Soweto. This, unfortunately, is not unusual. Of every five rapes in this country, one is a gang rape. This girl is now missing, having been left in the company of a taxi driver. Not only is she mentally disabled, but it is not the first time this has happened to her. After her ordeal, she was offered two Rand for her silence. All this is sick enough, together with the fact that at this very moment she is possibly being abused again. 

What really makes this sicker than it already is, is that the cell phone video taken of this rape, has gone viral. Yes, viral. Even on Twitter, apparently, there has been huge demand for this video to be forwarded. So not only has this poor girl been raped by seven boys, she is being repeatedly raped by the vile voyeurs who choose to perpetuate this crime. The rapists have been arrested, as they made no attempt to hide their identity   
whilst filming. This leads one to assume that things like this are normal for them, and the sad truth is that it is.

I believe that in South Korea, a rape investigation which was botched by police, caused such a public outcry, that the police chief was forced to resign. We know such a resignation would never happen here.We also know that the case will be repeatedly postponed, and that the ultimate punishment will be inadequate.

 The really sad thing is that some of us will show our anger and be upset about this incident, today. 
Tomorrow, another gruesome act will catch our attention. 
For us too, this has become normal.

Friday, 23 March 2012

Trump brothers drip with blood

The Trump brothers came to wild Africa and conquered. Having shot a variety of animals including a leopard and an elephant, they now bask in the glory of their perceived masculinity. What erections they must have had, when their high-powered rifles shot their bullets into the flesh of these creatures. What throbbing they must have felt when cutting off the elephant's tail for their sick mementos. People that get off on cowardly acts like this, can only get off on cowardly acts like this. You have to wonder how they managed to get through their school career without going postal on their classmates. Then again, in the States, you can never know if one of your peers are packing too. Animals are a much easier target.

The tour company pretty much does everything for you, all you have to do is pull the trigger and pay the money, and then, you get to feel like a real man. To the Trump brothers this  was as close to roughing it, and as dangerous, as making their own cup of coffee.

It is true that the majority of people opposed to their despicable behaviour are meat eaters themselves, something which the Trump Twits posted on Twitter. People so readily say things such as : "Why make such a fuss over animals, when there are so many humans suffering?"

Why not just look at the numbers? Seven Billion people, while we talk of threatened animal species in their thousands or hundreds. Leopards and elephants are not cows or sheep, there are only so many of them. Do we really want to be showing our children pictures of more things the human race has destroyed.

If the Trump brothers want to prove to the world just how manly they are, why don't they go into the enclosure and kill the animals by hand. Then we would know the fight was at least fair. But we know they wouldn't even contemplate such a thing. What would one expect from the spawn of a man who varnishes his hair into place as if it were another of his constructions?

Friday, 16 March 2012

South Africans don't take responsibility for their actions

Why is it that South Africans don't take responsibility for their actions? I was reminded of this last Sunday, having just completed the Argus Cycle Tour, in what I would love to say was a winning time. Age has unfortunately robbed that possibility from me, but nevertheless, it was not a bad time, by any account.

It is common knowledge (or it should be), that raising ones arms in triumphant celebration is reserved for the person that is deserving of it, in other words, the person who wins. The reason for this, as anyone who had actually read the Argus Cycle Tour Magazine, would know, is that it might result in harm, given that cyclists ride in such proximity to one another. The person next to me, whilst crossing the finishing line, first raised her hands upwards. I'm used to such gesticulations, but am used to seeing them in the "Jumping for Jesus" church that I walk by when exercising my dog. I can understand her need to reach out to perceived powers above, after covering such a distance. Her next move was straight out of a Jackie Chan movie, a sharp and forceful right hand move to her left side. When traffic police in South Africa still did their jobs, it was a move even they might have emulated.

Unfortunately my face was in the same place her hand ended up in. My inner celebratory dance gave way to a throbbing red lump of a nose. I shouted at her, telling her it was a stupid thing to do. But no, she quickly corrected me. I WAS TOO CLOSE! The fact that this was the furthest away from a cyclist she had probably been from for the last three or so hours, conveniently escaped her.Would it have been so difficult to simply apologise?

For some reason, South Africans seem incapable of what should be normal behaviour. I had an  experience some time ago that was the most extreme I've experienced. My wife had cut her head by walking into an open window. The first hospital we went to wasn't to our liking, so we left to find another one. Walking back to the car, I saw a middle aged man in a bakkie (utility vehicle). He promptly threw his lit cigarette butt out the window. All I said was : "Dude, you dropped your cigarette."

He then got out the car, shouting that he didn't even smoke, while the cigarette butt lay smouldering on the tarmac, and even more incriminating- the smoke still emanating from his cab.

My wife and I ignored him and climbed inside our car. Seconds later, he almost rammed us with his bullbar. I wound down the window and asked him what his problem was. He then said, in an accent that would send shivers down any Englishman's spine : "The last guy that called me dude, his face never looked the same again. You must see a psychologist!"

Now, I didn't call him dude because I'm a hippie, not that he would haveknown what one was, but because it sounded a lot better and a lot less aggressive than asshole or dickhead. And he gets upset because I called him a "dude"? Thank the Lord I'm not Australian and called him Bruce. Would he have said?: "My name's not Bruce"

I noted with interest his recommendation that I should see a professional and then, taking into consideration the large vehicle he was driving and his obvious poor self image, I suggested he was the owner of an incredibly small penis. I think this flummoxed him- how small is small? When it got through to him he gave chase, but with traffic on my side, I managed to escape him. (some advice for foreigners : DO NOT comment on the size of a South African man's penis, unless you make him believe that it is actually bigger that he thinks it is. People have been killed for saying such things, but only after this incident. Until such time as the South African Government grants free penis extensions, thereby solving many of this country's ills, it remains a taboo subject)

I hear this abdication of responsibility all the time. If someone does something wrong, like breaking traffic laws, they immediately say: "Because I saw him do it" or "Because someone in government did it". Yet, they are vociferous in criticising the very people they emulate. Ask them if they will jump in a fire because someone else did and they will childishly reply in the positive. Just how does one deal with such levels of immaturity? And if the adults of our population behave in such a manner, what hope is there for their children?

In attempting to answer the questions I've posed, I have the following answers, which may or may not be conclusive. Firstly, we have a history of not thinking in this country (our Calvinistic, Apartheid past) and as such, we remain sheeple, never really thinking for ourselves. We do not read much in this country, apart from one particularly popular book and the odd newspaper. That particular book is nothing but a plaster on our reality. It is time to tell it like it is. Forget about wallpapering our truth, forget about reaching out for the embers, let's just be honest. If we admit that we have this problem, that extends into all spheres of life, and contributes to the moral decay, the corruption, road rage and all the darkness that goes alongside it, then we can begin to change. Just like someone with an addiction can only begin his rehabilitation after admitting to himself, that he has a problem, can we as South Africans, begin our new journey.